Things had really being getting out of
hand. A strange spiritual force was
making me feel I should not smoke or I would
incur a disaster. This was driving me
crazy as I am normally a heavy smoker. I
walked and walked, throwing my pouch of tobacco
away. I had taken 15 tables of Depixol
on 24th April to try and throw off the spiritual
demands which were driving me crazy along with
the E.S.P.but to no avail. I kept taking
high dosages the next few days but nothing
was having any effect and I felt I might have
to got to hospital. When I arrived home
from one of my long walks my twin phoned. I
told him how I felt and he said some words
of truth that completely cut through the situation
to the bone and rendered the spiritual forces
thankfully impotent. I wrote, to complement "Love
hurts" of 23.4.91, "Love is Strange" because
this was the first real help I had been given
in my illness. Everybody else seemed
to try and make me feel worse. It is
also reference to the statement by Christ that
love is the truth. I wanted really to
say that truth is power, is beauty, is love
but left it as it is because I think
the song of the same name is so great any way. The
doctors just prescribe more and more drugs
when the patients comes up with something he
can't handle. What I think is interesting
is that the drugs, no matter how high the dosage
had no effect. What made the change was
rational insight, the truth. The beauty
of truth. The doctors of course will
mutter the drugs just began to take effect
but I do not believe this for an instant. I
believe instead that the answer to my condition
is rational insight but the doctors seem unwilling,
or unable to help me here. Certainly
many different schizophrenias exist and some
cannot be attacked by rational insight for
reason has broken down but why should everybody
be lumped in the same druggy boat? I
am overwhelmed by things I cannot understand. Understanding
what was going on, the truth of the situation,
would bring release. I think the situation
mentioned above proves this "She
broke her needle" is a reference to the
blues song, "Walking the Dog". "She
broke her needle, now she can't sew". A
reference to the fact that coming off my drug
had resulted in my concentration going. The
picture attempts to express disorientation
and surprise. with the heavy dosage
my concentration had come back, hence the better
technique but the cigarette problem had not
been solved by them.
Only the words of truth given a in spirit
of love had been able to rescue me. The painting
also illustrates a stage, as in a theatre,
as I felt I was still being watched.
